


How to: Save your Boyfriend/Mortal Enemy from your Father Figure/Evil Headmaster- An Idiot's Guide

by thirtypercentdone



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, They're not idiots but only because they're not allowed to be, buckle in boys we're in for it now, everything is gonna be fine, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirtypercentdone/pseuds/thirtypercentdone
Summary: “Okay, so.”, Baz takes a breath, “I’m dead.”“No, you’re not. This is a dream.”, Simon replies.“Do you dream about me often?”, Ghost Baz asks, raising an eyebrow, even beyond the grave he manages to antagonize Simon, typical.“What? No. I...you’re not dead.”
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 21
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled: Dumbass author couldn't let her favorite character die. 
> 
> (This is set during the beginning of Carry On before Baz's mother comes to visit Simon.)

Simon isn’t the smartest guy, he’s not dumb by any stretch, but he wasn’t naturally intelligent and driven like Penelope or clever like Baz. He was better with his sword than with his mind if he’s being totally honest. 

But he’s not dumb. This is why when a ghostly apparition of his missing roommate is suddenly standing in front of him, he asks, “Am I dreaming?”, because this cannot _possibly_ be real. 

Dream Baz rolls his eyes, “Hello, Snow.” 

Simon fumbles around for his sword, “If this is your idea of a prank, it’s not funny-” 

“Could you not destroy everything in your path for like, one second and listen to me?”, The apparition snaps. 

Simon, for no reason he can really explain, complies. 

“Okay, so.”, Baz takes a breath, “I’m dead.” 

“No, you’re not. This is a dream.”, Simon replies. 

“Do you dream about me often?”, Ghost Baz asks, raising an eyebrow, even beyond the grave he manages to antagonize Simon, typical. 

“What? No. I...you’re not dead.”

“You’ve been insisting I’m a vampire for five years and suddenly I’m _not_ dead? That’s rich, honestly-” 

“No, shut up. You can’t be dead. How are you dead?”, Simon replies, starting to raise a hand but dropping it when he sees it shaking. 

Baz grimaces, “It’s kind of a long story, look, I don’t have a lot of time-” 

“If you’re dead, how are you _here_?”, Simon asks because trying to outsmart a ghost is his best option here. 

“You’ve heard of a visiting, yes?”

Simon remembers Penny telling him about people with unfinished business on earth coming back from the dead and appearing to loved ones. But-

“If this is a visiting, why are you with _me_?”, Simon is aware he probably sounds completely moronic, but can’t bring himself to care. 

“Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are. It’s not every day you get ripped from the afterlife.” 

Simon rolls his eyes, “Do you have some...unfinished business?”, he asks, almost afraid Baz will reply, _“Yes, actually, I’m here to kill you, did I forget to mention?”_

Like he can read Simon’s mind _(Maybe he can? Can ghosts do that?)_ Baz sighs. “Calm down, Snow. It’s actually in your best interest...I think, to know.” 

“To know what?” 

“The Mage, he’s...not who you think he is.” 

Simon crosses his arms, “And why should I believe you?” 

Baz rakes a hand through his hair, “ _Merlin,_ I’m dead, what reason could I possibly have for lying-” 

“Well, for one, I don’t actually think you’re dead. And also, you’ve been pretty consistently evil, like, the entire time I’ve known you.” 

Baz sits on the bed across from him, the one that’s been empty for weeks, “Simon, I _am_ dead.”

Simon shakes his head, and against his better judgment says, “No, you’re not.” 

“Yes, I am. And the Mage...he’s _using_ you, as a weapon. He...killed my mother to take over Watford.”, Baz says, anger seeping into his voice. 

“Oh.” 

“Yes, ‘ _oh’,_ now I’m pretty sure I’m finished here, so…”

The silence drags on, Baz looking increasingly more annoyed and confused as he doesn’t fade back into the veil. 

“Maybe you still have some unfinished business?”, Simon offers. 

Baz glares, but something in his expression shifts, “Oh _hell_ no.” 

“What?”

“I’m not...okay, god, I thought the _universe_ would let me preserve some of my pride, after I died and all, but guess not.” , Baz replies, almost as much to himself as to Simon. 

“What’s going on?” 

“I’m in love with you. Or at least, when I was alive, I was.”, Baz says, far too quickly. 

Simon blinks, “Okay, now I _know_ you’re fucking with me, and you know what? It’s really not funny-” 

Baz squeezes his eyes shut, “I’m not- _Morganna, give me strength_ \- I’m not fucking with you, I am, or I...was.” 

Simon just stares, “But, Agatha-” 

“I’m gay.” 

“Ah.”, Simon shakes his head, “Why didn't you ever-I mean I understand why, but you never told me.” 

“Of course I never told you, you’re straight, and my nemesis, and completely uninterested-” 

“Who said I was uninterested?”, Simon asks, surprising himself. 

Baz’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, “I assumed, based on the years on antagonizing each other into detention that, you know-” 

“Maybe, if I would’ve known that you know.... _that_ was an option, we wouldn’t have had to do that.”, Simon says, slowly. 

He didn’t know vampires could blush, let alone dead ones. 

“Well, better late than never?”, Baz offers. 

Simon glares, “How did you...you know, _die_?” 

Baz sighs, “I found out about the mage and he...he had me kidnapped, by numpties, and held in a coffin.” 

“So, the lack of food and water, it killed you?” 

“ _Is_ killing me, visitings happen to affect the dead _and_ the dying, so I suppose it’s only a matter of time.” 

Simon stands up, “Where are you?” 

“Snow, please, I have no idea, and you’ll never-” 

“Does your family know? Are they looking for you?”, 

“Fiona, she-”, Baz starts, but Simon is already grabbing his sword and wand from the dresser. 

“She’s looking for you? I’ll find her. And we’ll find you.”

Baz shakes his head, “Simon, if I'm already passing through the veil-” 

“No. Nope, sorry, not happening. I’m going to find you, and you’re going to be fine.”, Simon replies definitively, throwing a coat over his uniform. 

“Why are you doing this?” Baz asks, and Simon looks at him as if he’s grown a second head. 

“Because you’re...my nemesis. And my roommate, and you died before you could tell me you loved me, which by the way, horrible timing. And I…”, He trails off. 

“Simon-” 

“I love you, okay? And you can’t die, alright Baz? You just can’t. So go back to that _coffin_ they’re keeping you in and just...stay _alive,_ for me.” 

Baz just nods and tries silently to will his consciousness back through the veil.

“I’m going to find you”, is the last thing Baz hears before he’s back in the cold, dark nothingness of the coffin. 

_“I’m going to find you.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all, so some quick things, sorry about any plot holes, I'm awful with timelines, Fiona wears a leather jacket. Okay! Enjoy!

“So let me get this straight…”, Fiona starts, Simon almost laughs at her word choice. “You want to help me find my nephew, your mortal enemy, out of the kindness of your heart?”

Simon shrugs, “And all of that visiting stuff I just told you, but sure, my heart too.” 

She raises an eyebrow, “And you left school, in the middle of the night, with no backup plan and somehow ended up outside my flat?” 

He nods slowly, “Yes?” 

She seems to realize something, and her eyes go wide, “Holy shit, are _you_ the guy?” 

He doesn’t ask her to elaborate, “What? No!” 

“Merlin and Morganna it makes _sense_ now!” 

“I’m not his...anything, I’m his roommate. He tried to kill me!”, Simon says, clearly backpedaling. 

“He never tried to kill you.” 

“What about the time-”, he starts, and about a million different examples pop into his head. 

“Simon, I know my nephew. If he’d tried to kill you, you would be dead.” 

Simon considers this, he supposes Baz _had_ been a little biased, what with the being in love with him and all, that _maybe_ he deliberately sabotaged his own murder plots. _Maybe._

“Right. Well, do you want my help or not?”, Simon replies after a beat of uncomfortable silence. Trying not to sound desperate. 

She looks at him, something knowing and sympathetic behind her eyes, “We’’ ll, I suppose I’d be an idiot not to.” 

He tries his best not to look relieved, but he thinks her distaste for him might be outweighed by wanting to find Baz. 

“Okay, where do we start?”, Simon asks, and she looks at him like he’s the dumbest person in the world, it’s familiar. 

“I’ve canvassed most of London already, but you said he was kidnapped by numpties?”

Simon nods. 

“Well, I haven’t checked under any bridges, so we might as well start there.”

He tries not to look dejected, “Isn’t there some kind of...I don’t know, _finding_ spell, wouldn’t that be faster?” 

She nods slowly, “There is, but….” 

“But?” 

“You already said you’re _just_ his roommate and nemesis, so it would never work.” 

“What do you mean ‘ _just’_?”, He asks, knowing exactly what she means but trying not to give an indication. 

“The person who casts it has to be in love with him.”, She states simply, he almost falls off his chair, and Fiona smirks, “Do you know _anyone_ who fits that criteria?” 

He purses his lips. 

“Anyone at all?”, she asks again, teasing evident in her voice. 

“I can cast it.”, He says, refusing to look at her and keeping his gaze locked on the tile. 

She nods, suspiciously silent, and hands him a piece of paper, yellowed around the edges with age. “What’s this?”, he asks. 

“The spell.”, She replies, and as he reads the words over, they begin to look familiar. 

“This is Shakespeare.”, He notes, taking in the slanted text and old fashioned dialogue. 

“Romeo and Juliet.”

“Is that...you know, culturally relevant enough to work?” He asks, knowing what he does about magic, that sometimes if a phrase hasn’t been used in some time, it loses any merit as a spell. 

She looks mildly offended, “It’s timeless, the number of references to _this play_ in popular culture is-” 

He raises his hands in mock surrender, “Okay, okay...I just don’t know if I can say all of this.” 

She frowns, “Try.” 

He squints at the words, at unnecessary hyphenations and words that aren’t in use anymore. He takes a breath, and tries, with magic. 

**“But soft-”**

She cuts him off, “Where is your wand?”

He shrugs, “Don’t need it.” 

She shakes her head, dubious, but gestures for him to continue.

**“** **But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?**

**It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.**

**Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,**

**Who is already sick and pale with grief**

**That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she-”**

He is about to finish the stupidly long spell, the words tumbling ungracefully from his mouth when she cuts him off again, “Look!”

He follows her gaze to a ball of glowing light and steps forward, it begins to lead them North. He looks at her, “I think it worked.” 

She smiles shakily, and gestures to the car, “Get in.” 

It seems like they follow the ball of light for an eternity. The night gives way to early morning, and they’re on the outskirts of London, far away from any city, the only buildings being a few makeshift shacks that remind Simon of Ebb. 

The ride is, for the most part, silent. With Fiona occasionally breaking it to jokingly shovel talk him, saying things like, _“What are your intentions with my nephew?”_ , and, _“You better have some good references, Chosen One.”_ . Simon only chokes on air and stubbornly refuses to answer, because when he does, it’s usually something terribly unconvincing like, _“It’s really not like that!”_

He thinks the ball of light, as bright as it is, must mean Baz is alive. And he hopes, a little helplessly, that they aren’t on their way to discover a corpse. 

The ball disappears above a bridge, Simon summons the sword of mages and approaches it slowly, Fiona is next to him, wand at the ready. 

They can hear the sound of numpties milling about, bumping into each other and scrambling for heat, and he thinks, absently, that Baz had compared him to one once. 

When he knocks down the door of the semi house, he isn’t expecting a slaughter, he’s expecting a negotiation. Numpties are dumb, and he’s sure they can be persuaded with fire or mittens. So when, before either of them can say anything, Fiona immediately _murders_ like, 12 Numpties, he’s a little shocked. 

“Did you have to _kill them_?”, He shouts. She just shrugs and jogs over to where a coffin is leaning against the wall, Simon quickly following suit. 

When she opens it, Baz is there, looking like hell _(which Simon didn't think was possible, for him)_. Skin grey and his clothes stained in every possible way. Fiona leans over to check his pulse, and nods, “It’s weak as fuck, but he’s alive.” 

Simon sighs in relief and exhaustion, and reaches for Baz’s wrists, at that moment, His eyes snap wide open and dart between Simon and Fiona, and the dead numpties that litter the ground. “Snow? What are you-”, is all he manages to say before passing out. 

Fiona looks like she might kick the shit out of Numpties for good measure, so Simon cuts the silence, “We should get him to a hospital.” 

She nods, “Medical attention? Yes. Hospital? No, he’s…”, She trails off, “No hospital. And we can’t exactly bring him home either.”

“Why?”, Simon asks. 

“He and Malcolm have...issues, look, we’ll just bring him to my flat, okay?” 

Simon cannot imagine what disagreement would stop a parent from wanting to see their missing child, but he concedes, nodding. 

“Great, you can carry him to the car? He _is_ your boyfriend after all.”

Simon rolls his eyes and feels his cheeks heat up a little, “He’s really _not_ , but yes, I can do that.” 

He lifts Baz bridal style from the coffin and carries him to the car, trying not to be worried about how frail he is. 

He props up Baz in the back seat, because, to quote Fiona, _“Front seats for people who haven’t been kidnapped by fucking Numpties”_

About 20 minutes into the ride, Baz wakes up. He looks around, bewildered until his eyes fall on Fiona. “How did you-”, he starts

“A spell, dumbass.”, she replies easily, the worry edging into her voice and making it come out more fond than anything else. 

Baz narrows his eyes, “What spell?” 

Fiona gestures to Simon, “I think you’d better ask him that.” 

Baz looks at Simon, eyes dull but processing, “What are _you_ doing here, Snow?” 

“Saving you, obviously.”, he tries for wit, but it sounds like a question. 

Baz nods slowly, “Right, how did you even...it was so far out of London-” 

“I mean we already knew the numpty thing.” 

Baz raises an eyebrow, “Really? How?” 

Simon tries vehemently not to pale, “The Veil? The Mage? The... _you know._ ” 

Fiona practically winks at him and Simon has never hated another person more. Baz just rubs his temples and shakes his head. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz be like: Nope! don't remember, didn't happen. (10 points if you get this) 
> 
> I've been headcannoning Shakespeare spells since "On loves light wings" was introduced and honestly was just looking for an opportunity to put one in a fic. (Although bc Romeo is looking for Juliet in the passage, this one made the most sense.) 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! I have wayyy too much time on my hands so this might turn into a 10k monstrosity, we'll see.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, y'all! so this is gonna be a little longer than anticipated but stay tuned! 
> 
> (Also I know the Simon and Fiona conversation is like, super vague, but the Pitch's don't talk about their feelings so I feel like it's in character that she would be bad at articulating stuff like that)

Simon almost laughs at the absurdity of it all, “Very funny, seriously, you should be a comedian.” 

“I’m not joking,  _ what _ are you talking about?”, Baz sits up, wincing a little. 

“You...you-”, Simon starts, but Fiona cuts him off. 

“We’ll talk about it later, right now you are going to chill the fuck out and allow yourself to be nurtured.”, Fiona says. Baz starts to protest before passing out again. 

After what feels like eons of driving, Fiona breaks the silence, “Did he...I mean I always suspected but…”

Simon doesn’t ask what she means, but instead makes sure Baz is still unconscious in the back seat, “It’s not my place to say.” 

She rolls her eyes, “Not the gay thing.  _ Crowley,  _ anybody with eyes could tell you that-”, Simon feels _again_ , like the biggest idiot on earth, “-I meant, is it...you?” 

“Is  _ what _ me?”, He asks, knowing the answer. 

“Don’t play dumb, Snow. You know what I mean.”

He nods, a little defeated. “I think so.”

“And you?....” 

“I do, yeah.” 

Fiona breathes in, like she’s trying not to say something, which is perfectly warranted considering how much he wants this conversation to be over. “Listen, kid-”

“Simon.”, he interrupts, he doesn’t know why it matters but it does. 

“ _ Simon,  _ you should head back to Watford, I’ve got him.” 

He almost says,  _ “Didn’t look like it.”,  _ he almost says,  _ “Really? Because it took you an eternity and he almost died.’  _

He does say, “Okay.” 

He gets out of the car, aware she’s pulled up to the train station and tries to smile, or something, anything that isn’t mildly pathetic. 

He starts walking towards the platform but turns back to look at the car, Fiona winks at him before speeding off. 

The ride back to Watford is not as bad as what’s waiting for him when he arrives, which is the disapproving glances of several teachers, and Penny flinging herself into his arms, sobbing. 

“Where the fuck were you?”, She asks, wiping her nose. 

“I was...busy, I’ll explain later.” 

She shakes her head, “You  _ disappeared  _ for days, you’ll explain it now, Simon Oliver Snow, or so help me-” 

He raises his hands, “Okay, okay. But not here.” 

She pushes an accusatory finger to his chest, “ _ Fine,  _ your room, 10 minutes. God, you’re lucky to be alive.” 

He’s stalling, doing everything he can before going back up to the room, but he doesn’t know what to say,  _ “Hey so Baz is alive and get this! Turns out I’m kinda gay and super into him!”  _ no.  _ “You know the Mage? You know the one we’ve trusted with our lives for 6 years? Turns out he’s evil! How do I know? Oh, the vampire who's been trying to murder me this whole time told me.” _

He groans, skulking in the halls, and that’s when he sees a flash of honey blonde hair and  _ oh no _

She’s beautiful, she’s always been beautiful, and the sun is setting her deep amber eyes on fire. Simon sees why he was so infatuated with her from the start. 

“Agatha.”, He says, he means it as a greeting, but it’s too loud, she winces. 

“Hey, Si. Where were you? You kinda disappeared on us.”, She asks. 

“Uh, actually it’s kinda a long story-” 

“Yeah, about that. Did you want to maybe get lunch? I miss... _you_.” 

He pauses, knowing what she means, they had only been friends before after all, good friends at that, what was stopping them from going back to the way things were? 

He makes it weird, “I miss you too, but listen, I don’t want you to get any-” 

She cuts him off, “As friends. Actually...I’ve kind of been seeing someone.” 

He waits for the jealousy, but it doesn’t come, “That’s...great, I’m happy for you.” 

“Is it weird that I told you?”

He shakes his head, “No, not at all. Listen, Penny’s gonna kill me if I don’t go up there soon and-”

She cuts him off again, “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

He smiles, “That sounds good.” 

_ Another thing I have to tell Pen about, great.  _

Penny is sitting on his bed, glaring at him. She hasn’t stopped glaring at him since he got in. He explains the visiting (Leaving out some choice details) and finding Baz’s aunt (Leaving out other choice details), spilling the story until the glare on her face morphs into a carefully blank expression. 

“Si, did you ever consider that maybe this is a trap?”, She asks, slowly, looking at him like a ticking bomb (Which given his tendency to blow things up, isn’t completely unwarranted) 

He nods, “I have. But...why? What would the Pitch’s get out of it?”

She shrugs, “Your weaknesses? Turning you against the Mage? Did you tell Fiona something, anything, that they could use against you?”

He keeps his expression neutral

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _

“I don’t think so.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! kudos and comments are very appreciated! 
> 
> (Also if you've read any of my other fics you know exactly who the fuck Agatha is dating)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Front seats for people who haven’t been-” 
> 
> “Kidnapped by fucking numpties, yeah, I get it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss when this was a oneshot about Baz being dead, but I couldn't leave well enough alone could I? 
> 
> Anyway, here's a fun little Baz POV for y'all

“Hey , Fiona, quick question.”, Baz says, the second he wakes up and finds himself in his aunts flat

“Yes?”, she replies easily, like he’d been spending the weekend at her place rather than having been kidnapped for months. 

“What. The.  _ Fuck?”  _

She smirks, “Whatever do you mean, Basil?”

“Did you catch the Mage? How long was I out there for? When can I go back to school? And why was Simon  _ fucking  _ Snow there when you came to get me?”, His words trip over eachother as he tries to say them all in one breath. 

Fiona practically rolls her eyes,  _ rude.  _ “No, we don’t have enough evidence to accuse him of anything yet.” 

Baz practically scoffs, but gestures for her to continue. 

“It’s been about six weeks, give or take, of you being kidnapped. You can go back to school when  _ I  _ decide you’re healed and not one second earlier.” 

He frowns, “I can decide for my-” 

She ignores him, “And for that last one, well actually, I was hoping  _ you  _ could tell  _ me.” _

He levels her with the most unimpressed look he can muster given the situation, “What?” 

She shrugs,  _ shrugs.  _ “He found me and started prattling on about visitings and the Mage and you being half-dead in a coffin somewhere.” 

Baz narrows his eyes, “How would he know that?” 

“He said  _ you  _ told him.” 

Baz stands up so fast he blacks out for a second, “It’s a trap.” 

Fiona  _ actually  _ rolls her eyes this time, “It’s not a trap.” 

“The Mage-” 

“We’ll take care of him. I promise.” 

Baz sighs and sits back down, “He hates me, why would he-” 

She cuts him off again, “He doesn’t hate you, not from what I saw anyway. Quite the opposite actually.” 

He raises an eyebrow, “The opposite?” 

“He really was desperate to find you, said you came to him in a visiting when you were half-dead.” 

Baz rubs his temples, “I don’t remember that, and-” 

Fiona sits next to him on the couch, clapping a hand on his shoulder and effectively cutting off whatever he was going to say next, “Look, kid. I didn’t want to believe it either, but I’ve thought it through, and there’s no other way. Now I’m just happy you’re safe.” 

“But-” 

“Lay down, shut up, and let me take care of you.” 

He groans, but complies, and hears her casting a barrage of healing spells before he drifts into a dreamless sleep. 

\---

Two weeks, three days and approximately 6 hours is how long it takes for Fiona to finally  _ (finally)  _ cave and let Baz go back to Watford. 

“Front seats for people who haven’t been-” 

“Kidnapped by fucking numpties, yeah, I get it.” 

He doesn’t ask about his father and Daphne, he knows they haven’t asked about him, that they don’t care. 

He doesn’t particularly like thinking about their last conversation, when he said he’d never kill Simon Snow, that all their plans to do so were a colossal waste of time anyway. 

_ (Also that he was gay, but that part had been glossed over completely.)  _

So the ride back is almost entirely silent, with Fiona blaring some punk music and Baz humming along to the songs he recognizes. 

“You know-”, he starts, “You never told me what spell you used.” 

She turns the music down a little, “What?” 

“To find me, I mean.” 

She shrugs, uncharacteristically quiet, “I didn’t cast it.” 

“What?” 

“Snow did.” 

Baz shakes his head, “Why would he have to cast it?” 

Fiona sighs, “Besides being the most powerful mage  _ ever,  _ the spell had some...emotional requirements.” 

“ _ What  _ emotional requirements?” 

“Listen, the whole thing is kind of a blur, ask the guy yourself.” 

Baz does  _ not  _ pout. Instead he just stares out the window as the city turns to rolling hills. His aunt had been shockingly tight-lipped about Snow’s involvement in the whole thing, replying to almost all his questions with, “Maybe you should ask  _ him  _ that.” 

It was infuriating, how little she knew about their relationship. Baz couldn’t just  _ ask  _ him. 

_ Right?  _

That would be weird, and horribly out of character. 

So, he’d just have to figure out the details on his own. 

Still, every time he brings it up Fiona gets this smug look on her face, like she knows something incriminating, which, he supposes, she might. 

When they finally get to Watford it’s not much work to bring his things up to the dorm, and Fiona offers very little help, simply walking beside him and bitching about the parents of any classmates he happens to pass. 

“Well, I guess you’re settled.” 

He nods, “Thank you for...everything.” 

She shrugs, “It was nothing, really. Hey, let me know if you get kidnapped again.” 

He frowns, “Very funny.” 

“I’m serious, much easier to find you now that I know your boyfriend will go berserk and hunt me down for information.” 

“He’s not my-”, He starts, but she’s already driving off. He flips off the car as it drives away. 

_ Whatever.  _

It’s occurred to him that it’s breakfast, and that almost every student at Watford will be in the dining hall. 

_ Okay, Pitch. Grand entrance time, get your shit together.  _

The second the doors fly open, he can feel everyone staring. 

_ Good.  _

But one particular set of cornflower blue eyes seems to be particularly intent on burning a hole through the back of his head. But when he meets that gaze, Simon doesn’t turn away, in fact, he doesn’t even look particularly pissed off, which is a little unsettling. 

Baz raises an eyebrow, and Simon just  _ walks over,  _ like that’s something they do, like they’re  _ friends.  _

“Glad you’re back.”, He says, and Baz almost pinches himself. But manages to keep his expression carefully neutral. 

“Stop smiling at me.”, He replies, like an  _ idiot _ . 

Snow tilts his head to the side a little, a hint of a smirk growing on his face, like he knows something Baz doesn’t, “I’m not smiling at you.” 

Baz tries his level best not to blush, it was only  _ polite conversation,  _ “You are and it’s strange. What do you want?” 

Simon sighs, like Baz is being impossible by acknowledging that they’ve hated each other for the last 7 years, “I was wondering if you wanted to sit with Penny and I, she has a million questions about the visiting-” 

“I don’t remember any of that-” 

“I told her, she doesn’t believe you. And regardless, she wants to strategize.” 

Baz raises an eyebrow, “Strategize what, exactly?” 

Simon shrugs, like it’s obvious, “What to do about the Mage.” 

Baz tries not to let any surprise show on his face, “Oh?” 

Simon looks at Baz like he’s the dumbest person alive, a look the former has been on the receiving end of many times, “Look, we want to help you. And I know you don’t remember the visiting, but I do, so I think we should call a truce.” 

“A...truce?” 

Simon nods, “I know we have some...uh, _differences_. But I think we should be friends for this to work, so no aggression?” 

“No  _ acts  _ of aggression.”, Baz concedes. 

Simon, very uncharacteristically, rolls his eyes, “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’ll be thinking a ton of violent thoughts at me the whole time-” 

“What about Agatha?”, Baz asks, because he doesn’t know how to see a good thing for what it is, because no one ever taught him to keep his mouth shut. 

If possible, Simon’s grin grows wider, “You know, I’m not too worried about that.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Simon Snow being a little shit. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey gang, gonna try to do more consistent updates, your comments motivate me a lot! love y'all

Simon has faced more monsters than he cares to admit, indifferent social workers, and foster homes that could barely put a roof over his head. 

But Baz Pitch,  _ smiling _ , for some reason, scares him more than any of those things.

He is  _ fucked.  _

“Any why is that?”, He asks, like he knows the answer, which, Simon supposes, he does. 

“Well, for one thing, we broke up ages ago.” 

Baz raises an eyebrow, “Ah.” 

“And for another, you’re gay.” 

Baz freezes, “What?” 

“I-...You told me when-” 

Baz shakes his head, “You know, I’m starting to wish I could remember that.”

Simon shrugs, “You didn’t miss much” 

_ Keep telling yourself that, Snow.  _

When they get to the table, Simon notices Agatha tense up, like they’re about to start fighting right there in the middle of the dining hall, Baz practically rolls his eyes. 

“Bunce, Wellbelove.”, Baz offers as a greeting. 

_ Some things never change _

Penelope leans back in her chair, “You look like hell.” 

Baz sits across from her, “Unfortunate side effect of...you know-” 

“Being kidnapped?”, she finishes, he nods. 

“Yeah, I figured.” 

The interrogation starts almost  immediately , with Penny and her million questions and Baz with practically no answers, it’s honestly refreshing, that he doesn’t know everything for once. 

Baz shoots Simon a  _ look  _ whenever he catches him staring, which is often. 

_ He’s in love with you,  _ Simon’s brain supplies unhelpfully. 

_ Gee, thanks, I totally forgot! _

Simon forces himself to look away and glances at Agatha, who’s gaze is fixed on the table, seemingly bored with trying to follow Penny’s constant line of questioning, which he understands. 

“Hey”, He says, voice low. 

She smiles, “Hi.” 

“So how have you been?” 

She shrugs, “Pretty alright, not as many near-death experiences as of late.” 

He grimaces, “I never apologized for that-” 

She cuts him off, “Don’t. Comes with the territory, dating the chosen one and all, I knew what I was doing.” 

“Still-” 

“Si, stop apologizing for being a hero. Besides, I said  _ near-  _ death, I'm fine.” 

“Right.” 

She shakes her head, “How have you been?” 

“Good, honestly, besides driving myself crazy looking for my missing roommate, I’ve been good.”, His tone takes a teasing lilt, like he knows that sometimes, when it comes to Baz he can be a little ridiculous. 

_ Which he does.  _

She groans, “Don’t remind me, it was almost 5th year all over again.” 

He flicks her arm, “Hey!” 

She laughs a little, “Kidding! Besides, you found him.” 

He tries not to smile, “Yeah, I did.”

She furrows her eyebrows, like Simon is an equation she’ll never quite be able to solve. A very Penny-like gesture, “So you two are  _ friends  _ now?” 

He shrugs, “I guess, I mean he just got back, but the whole nemesis thing is...” 

“Juvenile, childish, exhausting?”, she supplies. 

“...Outdated.”, He finishes, glaring at her a little while she gives him an amused smirk. 

“Right, well I’m glad you’re over that. What happened? I thought you’d never drop the stupid rivalry act.” 

“He just...things changed” 

She lowers her voice an octave, “After the visiting?” 

He nods, and they fall into comfortable silence, Penelope and Baz having moved on from talking about The Mage and the visiting to discuss the practical use of Shakespearean spells. 

“ _ What  _ are you talking about? Romeo and Juliet is-” 

Penelope cuts him off, “A classic? Unforgettable? Amazing-” 

“Cliché”, Baz frowns, shaking his head. 

“As opposed to what? Hamlet?” 

Baz shrugs, “I was thinking Macbeth.” 

Penelope sputters, “ _ What _ ? The one about witches and spells and fate and murder?  _ That _ Macbeth? What possible  _ practical use- _ ” 

“I didn’t say it was  _ more practical,  _ I just said it was less cliché.” 

Simon almost,  _ almost,  _ points out that thinking Romeo and Juliet didn’t have the most magickal value was  _ extremely  _ ironic, but decides to let it go. 

“I thought your favourite was Much Ado About Nothing, Penny.”, Agatha says, and Simon is almost surprised, he hadn’t thought they’d talked that often. 

“It  _ is,  _ I’m only saying-” 

She’s cut off by a bell indicating their classes are to begin, Baz stills, but Simon grabs his arm anyway, ignoring how the touch feels like it might set him on fire (A distinct possibility, honestly.) “You have charms first, with me and Penny.” 

Baz nods, pulling his arm from Simon’s grasp and walking ahead. 

_ Okay, fine. Common ground, something familiar.  _

Simon tries to school his features into a competitive smirk, “That is, if you think you’ll be able to, given all that time away.” 

Baz glares at him, but it lacks it’s usual venom, “I’ll be fine.” and then, over his shoulder as they all enter the charms classroom “Try to keep up, Snow.”

Simon surpresses a blush because  _ he was insulting you, Crowley, get your shit together.  _

And absently thinks as he takes his seat next to Penny; 

_ This is going to be a long year.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz POV next, plus some Penelope/Agatha stuff in the next chapter. kudos and comments are really appreciated! 
> 
> (Also, if any of y'all are fic writers too lmk what your most recent work is in the comments & I'll check it out, I'm trying to read more snowbaz stuff for inspiration and everyone is really talented)

**Author's Note:**

> I know usually almost dead people don't pass through the veil but here's the thing, I'm writing it, so they do. Also, this was fun to write & there's gonna be more chapters so kudos and comments are appreciated!


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